Love Affair 
1. : a romantic attachment or episode between lovers 
2 : a lively enthusiasm 
Synonyms: amour, fling, love, affair, romance
Antonyms: aversion, disfavor, disgust, dislike, distaste, hatred, loathing, mislike

I am ready for the you my friends and family to know of my love affair with food.  I have decided it is time to come out with the almost 36 year relationship and to work towards more healthy relationships with actual people!

Here I sit, 8:26pm, wondering where the plans for the day went. I know when I started out this wonderful day, I had a plan. I was in action mode, bound and determined to do quite a few things. Most of them involved how to end this love affair with food. I did not choose these terms at the beginning of the day, but because of things that happened throughout the day, that is what I choose to call it.

I have been wanting, needing and begging for this relationship to end. Although it has been ongoing for many years, the past few weeks, "s*!# hit the fan" so to speak. I realized that I was way out of control with what was happening in my life. And for those of you that know me well, know this is not a feeling I welcome. I like to at least "feel" in control, even if I am not really "in control."

My hubby decided to join our local "biggest Loser" competition and I decided to join an hour before the meeting. I think inspiration took over here, because I am still not sure why I did it. Sure, the money will be nice when we are declared winner and runner up, but it is much more than that.

This blog has been created with high hopes of helping me journal through my food, my issues, my passions and my heartaches. Come along with me on this journey. I hope you will help me as I figure out how to end this love affair for good. I am still not quite sure what the title of this blog means, but I hope over the next 12 weeks, I can figure that out. 

Here is a wrap up of my day: 
Woke up and laid in bed longer that I probably should have, but it felt great. Decided to pray for help in this journey. I believe my Heavenly Father has path and a plan for me, so I figure I better include him in this, seeing how divorces are rarely amicable.

Opened the book, Intuitive eating and read the chapter on Emotional eating. Had to then finish the book. By this point I had thought about what I was going to do for breakfast at least 3 times.

Got out of bed, Kissed my dear hubby, then hugged each of my girls. Proceeded to feed the baby and her sister.
I fixed myself an english muffin with 1 egg, 1 slice cheddar cheese and 4 slices canadian bacon. 20 oz water 1/2 clemintine
By this time, I realize that if I am going to exercies today, I better do it. 

Side note: I realized that while I am now on a journey to move more and feel better, I am going to walk as often as I can. I have made plans to walk in the mornings. I went to the church to walk around the gym while the girls played. Walked steady for 20 min, did not break a full on sweat, but I was movin! Bethany, a wonderful nutritionist, taught me that lifting weights before your cardio will get you in the fat burning mode so that the cardo is pure fat burn. I fought that in my mind and went to walking anyway, without lifting any weight beforehand. Still not sure what to do with this info.

Came home, had some cottage cheese and peaches with J while the baby napped. She ate more than I did. Planned to go to Costco to shop. Normally we get a hot dog or pizza. I had the emotion of "not good food" come up. J wanted to go to empire chinese instead. I promised her we would. Another "not good food" thought. 

I went to get my hair cut. While driving, I remember I have 4 mini York Peppermint patties in my purse. I tried to ask myself if I was really hungry or not and I could not answer the question. I moved on to ask myself what I was feeling. The only thing that came to mind was that I had the chocolate there and wanted to eat it. Felt a big confused. Not like I had failed, but that I was so far out of reach with my own body and soul to answer some simple questions. I ate 3, the other one is still in my purse. My sister and I chatted about food and diets and emotions and how they are all intertwined. She suggested I start a blog recoring my journey. SO here we are.

On the drive home, I knew I was going to take the kids to a chinese place and eat food that probably was not the best. I was being the food police. GRRR Thought about food 5 more times on that drive. When we got there, I ordered general tsao chicken and the variety soup, filled with broth and veggies and all the meats. I ate that first and loved it. Of course I had to put in the fried chips they serve with it. I had a few bites of fried rice and chicken while feeding the baby. Could not resist. Did not feel like I overate, but I was done. Talked to J frequently during that meal about if our tummies were telling us they were full yet. I am trying to learn from the young. They seem to have a sense when enough is enough.  Might I just add that as I am inspecting them closely, they seem to be eating A LOT!!!
Had my diet coke/coke mix with the meal and moved on.

Took the kids up to grandmas and out of habit went to my moms candy drawer and had a handful of chocolate almonds, without really even thinking about it. They were in my mouth before I could even ask the question, "Am I hungry." Decided to peel an orange to have a "fruit" with lunch. Got distracted and I am sure the orange is still sitting near her sink. 

Went food shopping and feel good about my purchases. I have some healthy meals planned. I am trying to give myself freedom to eat whatever, hoping that as I listen to my body it will crave nutritious things most of the time!
Got home and got supper going for the older girls. Potato soup. Used the "skinny soup recipe." Loved it as always. Ate slowly and enjoyed my meal. Just now had a handful of popcorn and 4 slices of Turkey.


I feel ok about the day. I would love to have a large soda, but I think I will go drink a few more glasses of water. I did drink maybe 8 glasses throughout the day. I realize that water is very important in digestion and in living in general. I want to make it a habit to drink it more regularly.

I have thought a lot about food, trying not to eat unless I am hungry and trying to figure out why I think about it so much. SO all in all, this was a good day. Some slip ups, but I am much more aware of what triggered me and how far I have to come in the relationship I am trying to sever. I hope and pray this process will be full of discoveries and progression.

One last thing, I did not have too many stresses or strong emotions come up. I felt myself trying to control things a few times, has a situation with the honey where I could have freaked out, but he helped me stay calm. My leg and foot ache, so I think I will get J in bed and head for the hot tub. Until tomorrow!
PS... I don't think I will post a play by play of every day. Being that this was the first and that my sis encouraged me to do this, I figured I would be open from the get go. There is a little fear in my that you will see more of me that I want you to see, but part of ending this love affair is that I will have heart ache and that I will need to support of you readers. Therefore, I need to be open and express what is going on. 

Fears/excitements: -I will give up and stay in this unhealthy love affair because it is too hard to end it.
-I don't know how to listen to my own intuition
-I can be clear of all the "crap" that I have held onto for so many years
-I won't ever lose weight 
-I don't know how to focus on things other than food, when the next meal is, where is the next best recipe or restaurant serving wonderful food.
-I will have more positive and powerful relationships with people I love.
-My body will functions with less pain



Until we meet again, may the good Lord bless each of us as we work through our "stuff"


Tracy
XOXOXOXO