A month has flown by and I have not done one thing that I feel I can come and tell you to try and implement.  I have slacked and been lazy about trying to get to the core of my issues.  Well that is not true.  I did do some energy work with a good friend.  She helped me to see where I had some blockages.  We have released those and I have been sick for 2 weeks straight.  Go figure.  They must had been pretty thick that they are taking forever to clear through my energy.  I am hoping to get back up and going very soon.  I don't want to say to go back to the way things were, but I would take that over being sick. 
Life is great. I am learing the amount of control food and the behaviors I have developed with food have in my life.  I am working each and every day to release these fears/thoughts/behaviors so that I can shine like I was meant to shine.
Bear with me and I may find it in the cards to get back to this very soon.
Thanks

list of my favorites

Ok my friends, I have decided to take Jill and Jen's advice and re-read Intuitive eating and apply it to my life.  I have read the first few chapters and realize that this book is just for me.  It has encouraged me to look and my life and see how I am in the dieting trap, meaning I am always thinking that I should go on a new diet, and what types of food I need to eat or want to stay away from.  But the minute I start this, I begin to sabatoge myself and my weight loss efforts.  The book explains that if I am in this mindset, I need to forget about nutrition and get a better grasp and relationship with food.  It has been a love affair, it needs to be just an acquantiance.

I made a list of some of the foods that I think are "forbidden" on most diets that I feel deprived of when I am in that mindset.  Let me list a few of the food at appeal to me:

• French fries
• dough-nuts
• pizza
• fresh homemade bread with butter
• potatoes
• cadburry mini eggs
• soda
• burgers

These are some of my favorite foods.  About 3 days ago, I got to the chapter on  making Peace with Food.  It lists 5 steps to making peace with food.  It says to make a list and then put a check by the foods you actually eat and circle the ones you have been forbidden to eat.  Chose one of the forbidden foods and allow yourself to eat it.

I have chosen french fries because as I do some introspection, this is probably the mother ship.  My home base.  What I crave the most.  She then says to see if you really like the food.  If so, give yourself permission to eat or order this food.  I have eaten french fries for the past 3 days and realize that some places have great fried and some not so good.  I envision liking french fries at certain places and not others.  I hope to order a sandwich sin fries if I really don't like them.  Because as of right now, I could just go to most places and order french fries because that is what I have felt "deprived from" for so many years.  Even thought I have eaten them, I am not at peace with this food.  I will trust the process and see where it takes me.

It is a matter of chance and choice.  I am an eater of habit and find that I do like some "healthy foods" but when the choice comes to me, I opt for the less healthy food most times.  I envision this changing in the near future.  But for now, I continue to enjoy this process of making peace so I can end this love affair once and for all.

Love to you all
Tracy

PS, on a side note, at the weigh in today, I lost 2.6 lbs and did not diet at all, minus thursday of last week.  went on 2 20 min walks. 

It seems to take quite a bit of effort to do many things.  Sitting down to write a blog post, to take the time to prepare healthy foods, to keep my house clear.  All of these things take time.  I have heard that it takes 21 days to create a habit.  I have been at this for 4 days and I can continue on! 

I realize that I eat mostly out of habit.  Like for whatever reason, if there is a slow down in my time of any sort, I turn to food.  So I understand the whole "emotional eating" phrase and habit.  However, I have come to see that for me, it is even more than just where an emotion is high.  I might be excited or running late or getting ready to nap, and I just grab a snack in all of these times.  Not always an emotional trigger it what I am saying. 

Drinking soda is a habit for me.  I have decided that I do much better drinking my water if i mix up my schedule and don't stop for a 44 oz soda mid-morning.  The water seems much more appealing.  So I have implemented this for the past 2 weeks or so, I it is amazing to me how much easier it is to keep water in my system. 

So superbowl weekend was interesting for me.  Both friday night and all day Saturday I was wanting french fried.  I tried to figure out why, and still have not.  The only thing that keeps going thru my head at this point is that if you keep thinking about them, just go have some.  That is what I had for lunch.  It was not as great as I thought it was. 

As I read the book intuitive eating, I realize that I have some messed up perceptions of food and need to get some of them worked out.  It might require a few weeks of eating whatever I want.  But that in itself brings up a lot of fear about gaining 20 lbs in the process.  What should I do?  I guess it is time to go pray and let the spirit guide my decisions. 

Thanks to a classmate Amy for teaching me about self deception in following the spirit.  I am on a quest to really follow the spirit and to pray for the help that I need personally to overcome this affair with food. 

Still working and pluggin through!
Love to you all
Tracy

Love is a verb and a habit

Today has been quite a day.  Started out well, followed the plan I had for myself.  However, I realize that I have a major problem here.  The plan I have set up for myself is to follow the eating structure I was given by Bethany.  However, I also feel impressed that I need to follow my intuition on this and really listen to my body and what it wants or needs.  So I am having a war in my head.  Thus the major problem.  I hope to get this figured out soon.

It reminds me of people I met in Chile while serving an LDS mission.  They had a great life and were happy and living well.  Then they were introduced to the church and wanted to join and do things in a different way.  They knew everything that was taught them would even better their lives and help them grow and be more healthy and happy.  Yet, habits are had to break and it was very difficult for many people to truly embrace the gospel 100%.  Most people grasped it as time went on.  This is where I feel I am at.  I have been inspired and know there there is something bigger and better out there that will help me be more happy and healthy.  However, 36 years of habits are hard to break.  I know I can conquer anything with the Lords help.  But day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute, my habits are much stronger than my desire to end this affair.

I rewarded my efforts over the past few weeks with a massage today.  OK lets be honest, I try to reward myself regularly because I know the great benefits of massage therapy.  So the massage was wonderful and I felt great coming home.  Then it hit me about 2 hours later.  I needed food.. I did not know if I wanted it or was trying to cover something up or shove emotions down.  I just wanted it.  I accessed the situations and realized I needed a nap more.  I respected that and rested for 30 minutes.  Then woke up and had that handful of M and M's because I had been thinking about them for an hour now.  Then I got back on my plan.

At the moment I "gave in" I realized that I did not have to feel guilt for having a treat. I analyzed it for quite sometime.  I am seeing that this journey is much more than sticking to a "plan" for the next 12 weeks just to win a prize.  I would much rather figure out what the pull I have towards food is and where it comes from.  I would like to know where or when food showed up in my life as the most lovable, intreiging, comforting thing in the world to me.  So for now, I just gave in and ate the treat.

From there, J and I made cookies for the older sisters when they got home from school.  Problem is, there were a few hours late, so the cookies called to me.  I only have 2.  And then I just had another right before I sat down here.

The positive of the day.  After eating the treats, I moved on to my chips and cottage cheese.  I felt full half way through and stopped.  That is something I never did before.  You must always clean your plate!!!  So I feel proud that I was able to notice signs of satiety before I was stuffed.

I had 2 very strong emotions that I am trying to deal with.  One was regarding a choice that one of the older girls made today.  I honestly don't know why I let this bother me, but it has been an issue and brings up these same emotions in me that is has for the past 5+years.  It took a good 10 minutes to talk myself out of staying ins that space.  And I did not turn to food.  Good Job me!

Then I stood firm on a view I have about our finances with my hubby today.  I think it bugged him and he was quite most of the drive to Layton.  I felt many emotions come up and i finally had to talk it through with him.  He was not bugged apparently.  Good thing I did not turn to my lover (food) then either!

Rambling on and on I know.   I must get to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.  I hope to collect my thoughts and put them in a more articulate form!

Love to you all

Tracy

Love Affair 
1. : a romantic attachment or episode between lovers 
2 : a lively enthusiasm 
Synonyms: amour, fling, love, affair, romance
Antonyms: aversion, disfavor, disgust, dislike, distaste, hatred, loathing, mislike

I am ready for the you my friends and family to know of my love affair with food.  I have decided it is time to come out with the almost 36 year relationship and to work towards more healthy relationships with actual people!

Here I sit, 8:26pm, wondering where the plans for the day went. I know when I started out this wonderful day, I had a plan. I was in action mode, bound and determined to do quite a few things. Most of them involved how to end this love affair with food. I did not choose these terms at the beginning of the day, but because of things that happened throughout the day, that is what I choose to call it.

I have been wanting, needing and begging for this relationship to end. Although it has been ongoing for many years, the past few weeks, "s*!# hit the fan" so to speak. I realized that I was way out of control with what was happening in my life. And for those of you that know me well, know this is not a feeling I welcome. I like to at least "feel" in control, even if I am not really "in control."

My hubby decided to join our local "biggest Loser" competition and I decided to join an hour before the meeting. I think inspiration took over here, because I am still not sure why I did it. Sure, the money will be nice when we are declared winner and runner up, but it is much more than that.

This blog has been created with high hopes of helping me journal through my food, my issues, my passions and my heartaches. Come along with me on this journey. I hope you will help me as I figure out how to end this love affair for good. I am still not quite sure what the title of this blog means, but I hope over the next 12 weeks, I can figure that out. 

Here is a wrap up of my day: 
Woke up and laid in bed longer that I probably should have, but it felt great. Decided to pray for help in this journey. I believe my Heavenly Father has path and a plan for me, so I figure I better include him in this, seeing how divorces are rarely amicable.

Opened the book, Intuitive eating and read the chapter on Emotional eating. Had to then finish the book. By this point I had thought about what I was going to do for breakfast at least 3 times.

Got out of bed, Kissed my dear hubby, then hugged each of my girls. Proceeded to feed the baby and her sister.
I fixed myself an english muffin with 1 egg, 1 slice cheddar cheese and 4 slices canadian bacon. 20 oz water 1/2 clemintine
By this time, I realize that if I am going to exercies today, I better do it. 

Side note: I realized that while I am now on a journey to move more and feel better, I am going to walk as often as I can. I have made plans to walk in the mornings. I went to the church to walk around the gym while the girls played. Walked steady for 20 min, did not break a full on sweat, but I was movin! Bethany, a wonderful nutritionist, taught me that lifting weights before your cardio will get you in the fat burning mode so that the cardo is pure fat burn. I fought that in my mind and went to walking anyway, without lifting any weight beforehand. Still not sure what to do with this info.

Came home, had some cottage cheese and peaches with J while the baby napped. She ate more than I did. Planned to go to Costco to shop. Normally we get a hot dog or pizza. I had the emotion of "not good food" come up. J wanted to go to empire chinese instead. I promised her we would. Another "not good food" thought. 

I went to get my hair cut. While driving, I remember I have 4 mini York Peppermint patties in my purse. I tried to ask myself if I was really hungry or not and I could not answer the question. I moved on to ask myself what I was feeling. The only thing that came to mind was that I had the chocolate there and wanted to eat it. Felt a big confused. Not like I had failed, but that I was so far out of reach with my own body and soul to answer some simple questions. I ate 3, the other one is still in my purse. My sister and I chatted about food and diets and emotions and how they are all intertwined. She suggested I start a blog recoring my journey. SO here we are.

On the drive home, I knew I was going to take the kids to a chinese place and eat food that probably was not the best. I was being the food police. GRRR Thought about food 5 more times on that drive. When we got there, I ordered general tsao chicken and the variety soup, filled with broth and veggies and all the meats. I ate that first and loved it. Of course I had to put in the fried chips they serve with it. I had a few bites of fried rice and chicken while feeding the baby. Could not resist. Did not feel like I overate, but I was done. Talked to J frequently during that meal about if our tummies were telling us they were full yet. I am trying to learn from the young. They seem to have a sense when enough is enough.  Might I just add that as I am inspecting them closely, they seem to be eating A LOT!!!
Had my diet coke/coke mix with the meal and moved on.

Took the kids up to grandmas and out of habit went to my moms candy drawer and had a handful of chocolate almonds, without really even thinking about it. They were in my mouth before I could even ask the question, "Am I hungry." Decided to peel an orange to have a "fruit" with lunch. Got distracted and I am sure the orange is still sitting near her sink. 

Went food shopping and feel good about my purchases. I have some healthy meals planned. I am trying to give myself freedom to eat whatever, hoping that as I listen to my body it will crave nutritious things most of the time!
Got home and got supper going for the older girls. Potato soup. Used the "skinny soup recipe." Loved it as always. Ate slowly and enjoyed my meal. Just now had a handful of popcorn and 4 slices of Turkey.


I feel ok about the day. I would love to have a large soda, but I think I will go drink a few more glasses of water. I did drink maybe 8 glasses throughout the day. I realize that water is very important in digestion and in living in general. I want to make it a habit to drink it more regularly.

I have thought a lot about food, trying not to eat unless I am hungry and trying to figure out why I think about it so much. SO all in all, this was a good day. Some slip ups, but I am much more aware of what triggered me and how far I have to come in the relationship I am trying to sever. I hope and pray this process will be full of discoveries and progression.

One last thing, I did not have too many stresses or strong emotions come up. I felt myself trying to control things a few times, has a situation with the honey where I could have freaked out, but he helped me stay calm. My leg and foot ache, so I think I will get J in bed and head for the hot tub. Until tomorrow!
PS... I don't think I will post a play by play of every day. Being that this was the first and that my sis encouraged me to do this, I figured I would be open from the get go. There is a little fear in my that you will see more of me that I want you to see, but part of ending this love affair is that I will have heart ache and that I will need to support of you readers. Therefore, I need to be open and express what is going on. 

Fears/excitements: -I will give up and stay in this unhealthy love affair because it is too hard to end it.
-I don't know how to listen to my own intuition
-I can be clear of all the "crap" that I have held onto for so many years
-I won't ever lose weight 
-I don't know how to focus on things other than food, when the next meal is, where is the next best recipe or restaurant serving wonderful food.
-I will have more positive and powerful relationships with people I love.
-My body will functions with less pain



Until we meet again, may the good Lord bless each of us as we work through our "stuff"


Tracy
XOXOXOXO