Love is a verb and a habit

Today has been quite a day.  Started out well, followed the plan I had for myself.  However, I realize that I have a major problem here.  The plan I have set up for myself is to follow the eating structure I was given by Bethany.  However, I also feel impressed that I need to follow my intuition on this and really listen to my body and what it wants or needs.  So I am having a war in my head.  Thus the major problem.  I hope to get this figured out soon.

It reminds me of people I met in Chile while serving an LDS mission.  They had a great life and were happy and living well.  Then they were introduced to the church and wanted to join and do things in a different way.  They knew everything that was taught them would even better their lives and help them grow and be more healthy and happy.  Yet, habits are had to break and it was very difficult for many people to truly embrace the gospel 100%.  Most people grasped it as time went on.  This is where I feel I am at.  I have been inspired and know there there is something bigger and better out there that will help me be more happy and healthy.  However, 36 years of habits are hard to break.  I know I can conquer anything with the Lords help.  But day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute, my habits are much stronger than my desire to end this affair.

I rewarded my efforts over the past few weeks with a massage today.  OK lets be honest, I try to reward myself regularly because I know the great benefits of massage therapy.  So the massage was wonderful and I felt great coming home.  Then it hit me about 2 hours later.  I needed food.. I did not know if I wanted it or was trying to cover something up or shove emotions down.  I just wanted it.  I accessed the situations and realized I needed a nap more.  I respected that and rested for 30 minutes.  Then woke up and had that handful of M and M's because I had been thinking about them for an hour now.  Then I got back on my plan.

At the moment I "gave in" I realized that I did not have to feel guilt for having a treat. I analyzed it for quite sometime.  I am seeing that this journey is much more than sticking to a "plan" for the next 12 weeks just to win a prize.  I would much rather figure out what the pull I have towards food is and where it comes from.  I would like to know where or when food showed up in my life as the most lovable, intreiging, comforting thing in the world to me.  So for now, I just gave in and ate the treat.

From there, J and I made cookies for the older sisters when they got home from school.  Problem is, there were a few hours late, so the cookies called to me.  I only have 2.  And then I just had another right before I sat down here.

The positive of the day.  After eating the treats, I moved on to my chips and cottage cheese.  I felt full half way through and stopped.  That is something I never did before.  You must always clean your plate!!!  So I feel proud that I was able to notice signs of satiety before I was stuffed.

I had 2 very strong emotions that I am trying to deal with.  One was regarding a choice that one of the older girls made today.  I honestly don't know why I let this bother me, but it has been an issue and brings up these same emotions in me that is has for the past 5+years.  It took a good 10 minutes to talk myself out of staying ins that space.  And I did not turn to food.  Good Job me!

Then I stood firm on a view I have about our finances with my hubby today.  I think it bugged him and he was quite most of the drive to Layton.  I felt many emotions come up and i finally had to talk it through with him.  He was not bugged apparently.  Good thing I did not turn to my lover (food) then either!

Rambling on and on I know.   I must get to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.  I hope to collect my thoughts and put them in a more articulate form!

Love to you all

Tracy